I Am Capable of Feelings—I Just Don’t Show It

Hello!

The year is about to end, and this is my first and last post on this blog for the year 2019. 

Well, who would even be surprised anymore.

I have done many things this year; some I would be proud of, some I would never admit even on my deathbed. I have made some big decisions. I have discovered myself. I have matured—I guess. I have learned, maybe not much, but I think I have become a little bit smarter than I was last year. Oh, also I have realized how dumb I was and I really need to study more to keep up with everyone and everything.

About the title about this post. Yes, feelings. It’s because ago someone asked me, “How to live like you? You look so carefree, like you never have a problem any day in your life.”

When I heard this, I was baffled. I tried to answer jokingly, trying to play off my crazy fangirl persona. They bought it. That’s what people expected of an easy-going, carefree person would react with that kind of question.

However, do I really look like I never have a problem? I mean, that must be partly compliment because I carry on positive vibes in my daily life? I guess?

To be completely honest, I think I might be depressed. I had a lot of mental breakdown this year. Since last year, actually. But no one really knows that. Why? Because I don’t talk about it.

Because I’m not comfortable admitting that I, too, have feelings like everybody else.

I’m too used to pretend that I’m okay. Too used to repress my feeling, to have the upper hand of appearing strong. Too used to hold my tears in public—I can hardly shed tears even on my own now, too. I have so much pride that I thought showing my feelings would lessen it. But at what cost?

That’s why I love blogging. I have no problem writing this down, whereas I would’ve bury myself alive if I ever talk like this to anyone else. But writing’s always fine. It’s comforting. It makes me feel like I’ve done something.

Before the year ends, I want to make a promise with myself. Being unable to show feelings is very useful for certain situations, but it will hurt me and people around me in the long process. I need to get it together. For once, stop lying about emotions.

And for the commemoration of me embracing my feelings, I just want to say: I love Lee Hongbin with all my heart it’s taking over everything else.

Thank you. Happy new year!

Unlucky

I was sick for a week. Chicken pox. In the age of twenty-three. In the middle of intensive training in which I need at least 80% attendance and have exam every Monday. And all of this happened when I was still in the Capital, living faraway from my family.

I guess I couldn't thank my lucky stars for that.

When I discovered I have red rash all over my body after having fever for two days straight, I started to freak out. It was Friday. I already had the plan to hang out: sort of small reunion with my college friends. My best friend from Yogyakarta also happened to have a training in the Capital too, so we decided to meet up and hang like we used to do back in the days. Then I went to doctor, hoping it wasn't as bad as I thought. But the young, handsome doctor told me with his charming smile that it was indeed a chicken pox. I should have a rest for two or three days, he said. But I said I didn't have that much of a time, that there's this exam I had to face in Monday and those class I couldn't just skip. So the doctor told me it was okay to still come to class but I had to wear mask. Honestly, I was relieved. At least I wouldn't have to redo my training next year because I clearly failed if I didn't attend the exam.

Dua Puluh Tiga dan Selanjutnya

Jika memang harus dikelompokkan, mungkin saya akan masuk dalam kategori seorang pesimis. Lebih sering daripada tidak, saya membayangkan hal-hal yang akan terjadi masa mendatang dalam kondisi terburuknya. Sebagian karena memang saya tidak memiliki kemampuan dalam membuat rencana; kebanyakan 'rencana' yang saya buat punya terlalu banyak lubang sehingga tanpa perlu menjadi seorang pesimis pun saya akan tahu hal tersebut tak mungkin berjalan mulus. Sebagian lagi karena dalam dua puluh tahun lebih hidup saya di dunia, rasanya tidak pernah sekalipun hal baik yang saya bayangkan terjadi tepat seperti kenyataan. Dan dengan bijaknya saya menyimpulkan bahwa lebih baik mempersiapkan diri untuk seburuk-buruknya keadaan daripada harus ditampar kenyataan ketika hal-hal baik di angan hanya berujung kekecewaan.

Sisi baiknya, saya adalah orang yang positif. Sungguh! Beri saya waktu lima belas sampai tiga puluh menit, dan saya akan baik-baik saja dari suasana hati buruk yang mungkin menyusahkan orang-orang di sekitar. Waktu tersebut saya gunakan untuk menenangkan hati yang berpikir tahu segalanya padahal tidak, dan memaksa logika bekerja untuk menemukan sisi baik atau sekadar meyakinkan diri bahwa apapun yang saya risaukan sesungguhnya tidak berarti apa-apa. Tiga puluh menit, atau bahkan sepuluh detik. Tak heran saya sering dituduh berkepribadian ganda.

Special Snowflake Syndrome

From Urban Dictionary:

‘Special snowflake’ syndrome, is a disease in which the subject believes that because she occupies a subculture mildly different to the mainstream, she is inherently better, and above them. The subject will never state that she is better, but it is implied, as is the belief that she is rare in her qualities, despite, in reality, being an only slightly less common cliche. 

Subjects suffering from this syndrome have been known to make statements such as “I’m the girl who’d rather stay home reading Harry Potter than get drunk and get sweet hooks", and will frequently act as if she is under tremendous pressure to act like a ‘typical girl,’ not realizing that ‘typical girls’ are a myth, and those she looks down upon are not what they seem.

There are some people I know suffer from this syndrome. Heck, maybe I also suffer from one at some point. But, ehm, well, at least I'm introspecting. And that is exactly the reason why I want to raise awareness of this questionably legit mental illness, because it could turn you into an annoying person without you even realize.

So, girls (and in some cases, also boys), you're not that special just because what you do/like/hate/are is somewhat faintly different than the others. There are 6 billions people in this world; you could not be just the only one.

Smoky Girl

I feel like sharing this video just because I can.

But, seriously, I love it. The song is great, the dance is sleek, and they look good, especially the one with fedora+bunny teeth and the pink-haired guy.

You may think I want to trap you into Kpop fandom. I don’t. This is one of the few Kpop songs I don’t feel embarassed to share to my non fan friends, so I hope you would like to give it a listen.

3M

Di suatu perjalanan, mata saya tak sengaja menangkap sebuah baliho besar yang berisikan himbauan anti perkembangbiakan nyamuk dengan slogan 3M yang terkenal itu. Tertulis besar-besar di sana, di samping foto profil seseorang yang mengacungkan tangan simbol penyemangat--mungkin pejabat tinggi di daerah bersangkutan: Menguras, Menutup, Mengubur.

Biasa saja, bukan? 

Tetapi entah kenapa di kepala saya tiga kata tadi menjadi terlalu berbau kriminal.

Menguras =  korban dilucuti harta bendanya hingga habis tak bersisa;

Menutup =  korban perlu dibungkam agar tidak menceritakan kejadian yang dialaminya pada siapapun apalagi melapor ke pihak yang berwajib, hingga akhirnya berlanjut pada tahap;

Mengubur = jasad korban yang telah ditutup mulut untuk selama-lamanya lalu harus disembunyikan demi mengaburkan bukti-bukti yang bisa mengungkap perkara.

Tiba-tiba ingin bergabung dengan Sat Reskrim Polres terdekat rasanya.

Just Remember...

When I feel disappointed about my life, I'll just remember that there are still people who are more than willing to swap place and live the life I'm in right now.

Then, I will start being happy again. :)

Internet Persona

Do you ever have a crush to someone over the internet?

Honestly, I do. The latest is this half-German guy who runs a cool site and thankfully never reveals his self pictures or real name. Hey, don't blame me. Blame their (yes, there have been more than one) internet personas. 

Internet persona is what they call for your identity or the way you behave on the internet. I'm sure you must have at least that one person on Twitter following who shows up every time you open the timeline, but in real life you may never hear him/her speaking. Or that one guy/girl you think as nice and sweet suddenly turns to be a cursing machine. 

Repost

I was riffling through my old posts in this blog (it's my 8th year on this blog, can you believe that?) and I found a post from, well, not too long ago. 

I couldn't stress this enough to you: I always write fiction. If it's labeled under the word Scribble, or 10 Hari Menulis Flash-Fiction in my early days, then you should be sure that it's totally, purely, incontrovertibly a fiction. So please don't go asking me if that was my real story or not, or 'kepo'-ing me, or teasing me then saying I was 'galau'. Because I wasn't. It was a form of expressing feelings, just like people singing. For me, it's writing. Yes I did sing too, but my singing was terrible--horrible.

Sayang, Kamu Tidak Tahu wasn't something I could rephrase, something I could not write all over again. It's a one-time feeling; I wrote it without pausing, and there it was. That time was an exception. I did include some personal story in there more than just a tiny bit. Usually, I included some personal experience, really tiny so if you know me you wouldn't realize I had included it in there, but enough to make me wrote it as if it was real. 

Butterfly Effect

Tahukah kamu tentang Butterfly Effect?

Sebuah teori yang, kira-kira, menyatakan bahwa sebuah perubahan kecil dapat mengakibatkan perbedaan yang besar kemudian.

Ilustrasinya: kepakan sayap kupu-kupu yang pagi ini kamu temui di taman, dapat mengakibatkan badai di Afrika Selatan sebulan kemudian.

Lalu saya membayangkan.

Berawal dari sesuatu yang simpel. Tak signifikan. Sesuatu seperti senyumnya. Dua tiga kali lirikan mata, atau sapa basa-basi berdua. Kamu tidak pernah tahu.

Mungkin sehari atau dua, seminggu, bahkan berbulan-bulan kemudian. Hal-hal kecil yang bahkan tidak kamu sadari itu, ternyata terakumulasi... menjadi badai sejuta kepak sayap kupu-kupu di perutmu.

It's Random

I hope I don't get it mixed up. Who knows if sometimes your brain does some slipped-memory tricks and you'd start to remember it as look like a man, act like a boss, think like a girl, and work like a lady(boy).

......

Sorry, I don't know what I wrote. I was sleeping and suddenly awakened, so I decide to just write this meaningless post. It's 12-12-12 anyway, and it's sort of a waste to not posting anything at this so-called beautiful date.

Ah, before it ends, please let me say: happy 12-12-12! :)

Are You Ready?

Some people are finicky about going to the theater alone, but I’m not. Because when the lights go down, the only relationship left in the room is the one between the movie and me. — Anna and The French Kiss

I think I'm going to do it again soon. Going to theater alone, I mean. I did it a while back as a form of getaway.

No, there's nothing wrong with my life I need to get away from, and it's not like I don't have friends to accompany me to go. Things are just simpler when you're doing it by yourself, right? Well, several things. And this going-to-see-a-movie thingy is one of them. 

One thing that concerns me is the chance of surprise encounter with my other friends in theater. They're going to ask questions like, "Why are you here alone?" with the unnecessary pitying look on their face. Because they are with their beloved friends, or boyfriend/girlfriend, or crush, or family, or anyone, while I stand there completely alone—which is not a sin, by the way.

Now that I think, does what everyone think of me really matter? If the answer is no, then I'm ready to go. :)

Inattentional Blindness

From Scholarpedia.org : "Inattentional blindness is the failure to notice a fully-visible, but unexpected object because attention was engaged on another task, event, or object."

Ah, I wonder how does it feel to be the fully-visible but unexpected object?

Just kidding. I know how it feels.

Between Good Books and Bad Books

Based on my experience reading not that many kind of books from not that many different genres, I think I can come to a conclusion: Good books give you inspiration, while bad books give you exasperation.

Not all of the books I read are the good ones. And I'm not the kind who let it go wholeheartedly. When I get annoyed by a book, it's pretty serious, like I will go berserk and have this sudden urge to rip the book and throw it to paper-shredder or even burn it with gasoline. I will boast to people to not read that book ever—but mostly they won't hear me because what I think as a bad book almost sometimes be considered as good book to them—and declare how disgusting it is. Yes, I'm overreacting, but now that I think of it, maybe it is just because I'm actually a bad-tempered person, yet I tend to hold my anger to people (well, not always) so the innocent books are my release. Haha.

Aneh Saja

"Hei, saya kangen!"

Kalau saya atau kamu sudah bilang begitu, biasanya our feelings are mutual. Sama-sama kangen, cuma beda siapa yang pertama kali bilang duluan. Lalu kita pun sibuk mengatur kesempatan, kapan bisa bertemu, di sela-sela jadwal rapat, jadwal main, atau jadwal jalan dengan pacar(?) masing-masing. (Bohong, kita sama-sama ga punya pacar. Mmm, atau mungkin cuma saya yang ga punya.)

Biasanya kamu akan berjalan cukup jauh dari tempat tinggalmu sementara, untuk kemudian menghampiri rumah kedua saya, lalu masuk diam-diam untuk mengetuk pintu kamar saya. Saya biasanya masih sedang dandan atau ganti baju, lalu teriak-teriak supaya kamu ke ruang tengah saja karena kamar saya kondisinya sedang tidak layak dipandang mata. Lalu kamu menunggu saya. Kadang lama. Maaf ya :')

Pengangguran, Pulang, dan Hujan

Berkali-kali sudah saya buka dashboard Blogger, mengklik new entry, pun menuliskan beberapa kalimat di kotak putih di layar itu, tetapi berkali-kali pula saya hanya mengklik save sambil berlalu melakukan hal-hal lain di dunia maya.

Ya... saya memang semalas itu, tidak usah heran.

Padahal banyak hal-hal penting sedang terjadi dalam hidup saya. Mungkin. Sebutlah, kegiatan Capacity Building, Yudisium, dan tentu saja, segel terakhir sebagai seseorang yang mengakhiri status mahasiswa: Wisuda.

Horee saya sudah bukan mahasiswa lagi! -- meski bingung mesti senang atau sedih. Pidato Menteri Keuangan--yang diwakili oleh Sekjen--waktu wisuda kemarin serasa menggugurkan euforia wisuda yang menurut saya memang sejak awal tidak terlalu gimana-gimana karena ada beberapa masalah yang cukup vital dalam pelaksanaannya. 

Ah, intinya... secara teknis, status saya sekarang adalah pengangguran. Walaupun saya lebih suka menyebutnya liburan, ya.

Beginilah saya sehari-hari, akhirnya. Yap; looking cute, typing on the keyboard. *dilempar batu*

Gembel dan Seratus Juta

Pembicaraan ini sudah lama, sudah basi. Harusnya. Tetapi mau tidak mau muncul lagi ke permukaan gara-gara buku angkatan. Saat itu kami sedang kumpul-kumpul di kamar kost-kostan salah satu personil—tanpa formasi lengkap karena personil yang satu lagi sedang sibuk menjemput nyonya besarnya—dan mengomentari beberapa foto di buku angkatan tersebut. Lalu saya terpaksa harus menunjukkan sesuatu, dan komentar itu pun muncullah.

“Hah, serius? Kok bisa?” dan sejenisnya langsung mengalir dari mulut bocah-bocah yang walaupun kurang ajar tetapi sudah saya anggap seperti abang sendiri.

Saya malas menjawab, cuma mesem-mesem sendiri. Entah senang atau sedih, hahaha.

Dan tentu saja, tidak cukup satu komentar. Level penghinaan semakin naik dan naik sampai akhirnya keluarlah kalimat pamungkas itu: “Ibaratnya kayak gembel dikasih duit seratus juta, terus dibuang gitu aja.”

Tawa pun meledak, termasuk dari saya yang ikut-ikutan sumbang suara. Selama lima belas menit kemudian tema pembicaraan masih seputar itu, sebelum bola panas itu saya lempar ke mereka yang saya tuduh belum move-on, maho, dan sebagainya.

Diam-diam, pikiran saya sudah penuh saja.

Gembel? Mungkin. Seratus juta? Mungkin juga. Tetapi mungkin si gembel bukannya bodoh karena membuang duit seratus juta, tapi sebenarnya jauh lebih cerdas, karena tahu duit seratus juta tadi memang ditujukan bukan untuknya. Bagaimana nanti bila ternyata itu cuma duit pinjaman, lalu saat sedang senang-senangnya dinikmati, tahu-tahu sudah terjerat lilitan utang?

Sudahlah. Si gembel lebih baik berberes hidupnya dulu, supaya tidak gembel lagi. Naik level, gitu. Jadi suatu saat, jika diizinkan untuk mendapatkan uang seratus juta atau lebih besar lagi, tidak akan ada lagi yang terkaget-kaget, heran, atau berpikir macam-macam. Karena memang sudah pantas dan sewajarnya diterima, jadi tidak akan dibuang. Tidak lagi. J

Ceracau

Pernahkah kamu sangat ketakutan, sampai-sampai kamu harus bersembunyi di balik selimutmu, dan masih menggigil sambil berkeringat dingin di baliknya?

Saya pernah. Dan anehnya, saya takut oleh sesuatu yang tidak nyata. Bukan kecoa, bukan hantu-hantuan yang katanya ada penampakannya di sini dan di sana. Sesuatu yang lain, yang rasanya tak perlu lah saya ceritakan detilnya.

Tidakkah kamu menyadari, bahwa hal yang paling mengganggu kita adalah sesuatu yang ternyata kita ciptakan sendiri?

Semuanya cuma sugesti. Permainan pikiran. Imajinasi. Mungkin juga delusi.

Terpusat di pikiranmu. Iya, sepenuhnya milik kamu. Dan semestinya, kamu lah yang memegang kendali. Jadi rasa takut itu, rasa cemas itu... seharusnya tidak perlu ada sama sekali.

Syaratnya cuma satu. Masuk jauh ke balik pikiran kamu... dan pikirkan sekali lagi. Masih sama? Ulangi. Timpa dengan sugesti-sugesti positif yang membuat muntah pelangi. Ya, ya, seperti itu.

Tetapi terkadang saya terlalu malas berpikir dan lebih memilih jalan pintas. Cuma butuh satu tablet, lalu saya tenang dan terlelap. Rasa takut itu, sakit itu, lenyap tak berbekas. Sayangnya, terlalu mahal harga yang harus tubuh saya bayar kemudian.

Saya cuma berharap, semoga kamu tidak menjadi sebodoh itu. Karenanya, tolong berjanjilah dulu.

Unpleasant

Perasaan saya ke kamu itu persis kayak nulis blog. Draftnya aja yang banyak bertumpuk-tumpuk, tapi yang berhasil di-publish nggak ada.

--Mikochin, 20 tahun, terserang writer's block stadium akhir; tinggal tunggu dimakamkan.