I Am Capable of Feelings—I Just Don’t Show It

Hello!

The year is about to end, and this is my first and last post on this blog for the year 2019. 

Well, who would even be surprised anymore.

I have done many things this year; some I would be proud of, some I would never admit even on my deathbed. I have made some big decisions. I have discovered myself. I have matured—I guess. I have learned, maybe not much, but I think I have become a little bit smarter than I was last year. Oh, also I have realized how dumb I was and I really need to study more to keep up with everyone and everything.

About the title about this post. Yes, feelings. It’s because ago someone asked me, “How to live like you? You look so carefree, like you never have a problem any day in your life.”

When I heard this, I was baffled. I tried to answer jokingly, trying to play off my crazy fangirl persona. They bought it. That’s what people expected of an easy-going, carefree person would react with that kind of question.

However, do I really look like I never have a problem? I mean, that must be partly compliment because I carry on positive vibes in my daily life? I guess?

To be completely honest, I think I might be depressed. I had a lot of mental breakdown this year. Since last year, actually. But no one really knows that. Why? Because I don’t talk about it.

Because I’m not comfortable admitting that I, too, have feelings like everybody else.

I’m too used to pretend that I’m okay. Too used to repress my feeling, to have the upper hand of appearing strong. Too used to hold my tears in public—I can hardly shed tears even on my own now, too. I have so much pride that I thought showing my feelings would lessen it. But at what cost?

That’s why I love blogging. I have no problem writing this down, whereas I would’ve bury myself alive if I ever talk like this to anyone else. But writing’s always fine. It’s comforting. It makes me feel like I’ve done something.

Before the year ends, I want to make a promise with myself. Being unable to show feelings is very useful for certain situations, but it will hurt me and people around me in the long process. I need to get it together. For once, stop lying about emotions.

And for the commemoration of me embracing my feelings, I just want to say: I love Lee Hongbin with all my heart it’s taking over everything else.

Thank you. Happy new year!