Under The Starlight

I have always been a fangirl.

As long as I can remember, I have always been into something. Be it things, a genre, a certain  show, or a celebrity, when I found something that I liked, I would completely engross myself into the things and be knee deep in no time. 

One time, it was horror mystery stories. I was as young as nothing more than 9 years old when I started to write numerous short stories on the unused pages at the back of my old school books. I would be meeting with my cousin at my grandma’s house, and we would exchange our stories and then talk about how we should compile them to make an anthology. We then bought a special book to write our stories there and we even decorated the cover. It was fun; both back then, and when I think about it again now.

A bit older, I was into this anime show. I loved it so much, I started to use the internet to find out more. I was only a mere middle school student, and there was a time when the phone bill went a bit higher than usual because I had too much fun with surfing the net. Maybe I was addicted to being online? It was something new, it was surreal, so it was definitely fun for me. And it was around that time when I started to create this blog, so hey, good job middle school me!

There were many more things since then. A celebrity I kept writing in my diaries, the joint project of making a manga (and yes, I was the one who did the drawing, despite not having even ten percent of the skill required), and the obsession of writing novels! I still remember my poor friends getting shoved of either my printed or handwritten writings, and me looking at them with glimmering eyes, feeling just so happy to see that my works had been read.

And then, there came the fandom culture. It’s basically just everything I’ve been doing; liking, obsessing, and almost literally revolving myself entire this one particular thing, but it’s more organized. There would be other people—it’s a community. I decided I wanted to get in on that. 

There have been many fandoms that I have—sort of—joined, but the fandom I spent the last five years in was the most memorable. In fact, it’s not even 24 hours since I decided I’d rather left, so it’s not a lie if I say that I still look at them with utmost affection and lingering feelings. 

Actually, I’ve been feeling so weird. It‘s just as if I’m peeling away a bandage to find out that the scabs have been completely healed over—only the ghost of prickly feelings where the wound was once there, remains.

I feel like I should’ve felt more hurt, but I guess the spell had been broken for a while ago, and I was just staying there for the sake of loyalty... and the fact that I was so afraid to lose my identity.

I have always been a fangirl, alright? And for the last five years, I have always been at that same place; making memories, experiencing happiness, pouring my heart out, and feeling love. If I am to begone, then what will be left of me? Where do I go to? Starting from now, how should I feel?

A little whisper inside my head tells me, then don’t go.

But what if the purpose of staying, when the magic is no longer there anymore?

My friend—a lovely fellow fangirl who’s lucky enough to still have the magic on her side—went and asked me, “So, are we off to find husbands, now?”

(There’s this cliché thing people can say when they’re heartbroken, ‘there’s a hole in my chest where my heart was supposed to be’ or something like that.)

So I laughed, and since it would be too silly and embarrassing to actually say it out loud, I just went, “That would be too hard. I guess I’d rather look for money.”

And I sincerely hope that answers enough.

New Year's Eve

Here in my room, with a cup of Family Mart's green tea latte and two balls of onigiri, I guess I'm ready to write the first and last post in 2018 on this blog. This is more of a moral obligation than anything, really, because I can't let a year passed without writing anything and make the drop down list on the Archives sidebar skipped 2018. Well, it's okay to be a little bit meticulous, right? 

What did I do in 2018? Quite a lot, actually. Let me make a list, because how long had been since I last made a list on this blog? What a nostalgia.

Things I Did in 2018 That I Didn't Mind to Share—and Probably Wanted to Sort of Brag

1. I went to my first Japan winter trip. 'First' because who knows if I'll be back later, you know? But most likely not in winter because as someone who spent her whole life not only in a tropical country but also right at the Equator line, cold is really not my forte. I mean, sure, snowflakes are pretty and it's nice to not sweat after walking kilometres, but autumn's my limit. Winter is best spent at home under  a blanket and a cup of ocha and not walking around town and risking getting a frostbite.

2. I met 2 out of 6 of my favourite boys! Yeah, you know, VIXX. Might want to look up about them later, wouldn't you? Or not. Totally up to your choice. But you know, you would never regret it. Okay? Okay. So, I met them while in Japan, in Osaka to be exact. It was a handshake event and I got to shake their pretty hands three times—thanks to my dear friends that because of them I got to buy three albums and get three handshakes event ticket. It was great. I was literally walking alone, in a rather harsh winter, looking for the event's venue in a foreign country that I didn't speak the language of. That experience is almost as memorable as meeting the boys, really.

3. I graduated! Finally! After all the blood, sweat, and tears, I have finally graduated. Do I feel satisfied with my grades or my thesis? No. But at least it's finally over. Okay now I should stop talking about college because it's giving me PTSD.

4. I start working for the Headquarters. It was not my preference because at first I'd rather work in the convenience of my hometown, but now that I actually experience it, it isn't even that bad. The work I do here is more... challenging, I guess? And it's not monotonous. It also gives me chance to learn a lot and even let me expand my network. It is way out of my comfort zone, but I feel like I'm fine with it—I enjoy it, even. Maybe because I'm starting to feel comfortable in this big city and all of it's perks? Most of my friends are here, too. And I do love the feeling of living alone while trying to make it by myself. Oh, and probably I should mention this sooner: the job pays better. So... yeah.

5. I am embracing the lone girl aesthetic to the fullest, and I love it. I start to genuinely enjoy going anywhere alone. I feel accomplished, somehow, when I finished doing things by myself. I used to only have the gut to eat alone in public place at lunch, but now, dinner is fine, too. If I want to eat something, I just can go, with companion or not. It's not like I can not afford it. Ah, to be young and financially stable, very liberating, indeed.

Hmm, maybe that's all? Truth to be told, I just want to spend some time while waiting my boys (say it with me? It's VIXX) to perform on Korean broadcast year end's stage. It's probably still half an hour later, but well, this has been nice. The feeling of having written something is always nice, I wonder why I don't do it often? Right, because I'm lazy. The root of all problems in my life. 

My wish for 2019? I don't know. I just want to live a fulfilled, happy life, doing my best while being surrounded by people I love, VIXX included. 

I hope 2019 will be a good year for us all. Happy New Year!

Dua Puluh Tiga dan Selanjutnya

Jika memang harus dikelompokkan, mungkin saya akan masuk dalam kategori seorang pesimis. Lebih sering daripada tidak, saya membayangkan hal-hal yang akan terjadi masa mendatang dalam kondisi terburuknya. Sebagian karena memang saya tidak memiliki kemampuan dalam membuat rencana; kebanyakan 'rencana' yang saya buat punya terlalu banyak lubang sehingga tanpa perlu menjadi seorang pesimis pun saya akan tahu hal tersebut tak mungkin berjalan mulus. Sebagian lagi karena dalam dua puluh tahun lebih hidup saya di dunia, rasanya tidak pernah sekalipun hal baik yang saya bayangkan terjadi tepat seperti kenyataan. Dan dengan bijaknya saya menyimpulkan bahwa lebih baik mempersiapkan diri untuk seburuk-buruknya keadaan daripada harus ditampar kenyataan ketika hal-hal baik di angan hanya berujung kekecewaan.

Sisi baiknya, saya adalah orang yang positif. Sungguh! Beri saya waktu lima belas sampai tiga puluh menit, dan saya akan baik-baik saja dari suasana hati buruk yang mungkin menyusahkan orang-orang di sekitar. Waktu tersebut saya gunakan untuk menenangkan hati yang berpikir tahu segalanya padahal tidak, dan memaksa logika bekerja untuk menemukan sisi baik atau sekadar meyakinkan diri bahwa apapun yang saya risaukan sesungguhnya tidak berarti apa-apa. Tiga puluh menit, atau bahkan sepuluh detik. Tak heran saya sering dituduh berkepribadian ganda.

Personality

I was bored, so this is what I found when I aimlessly surfed the net.

Your Stress Sources:

"Feels unappreciated and in an unpleasant position. Needs personal recognition and the respect of others, since she has not been about to find partners who value the same things she does. She holds back her emotions and is unable to give fully of himself, but lasting isolation makes her want to change those ways and surrender to her deep urges. Giving in to her natural instincts and urges is a sign of weakness, so feeling this way makes her weak and irritable. Fighting these urges makes her feel stronger, as if she can take on anything that comes her way. Longs to be valued as an important associate and admired for her personal qualities."

Your Restrained Characteristics:

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Struggles to make her demands clear, but feels ignored. Feels resentful, but acts as if she doesn't care, doing what is necessary to keep peace.

Feels trapped in a helpless situation and is desperately seeking relief.

Current situation is leaving her doubtful and cautions about becoming intimately involved with others.

Your Desired Objectives:

Relies on love and friendship to bring her happiness. She is in constant need for approval and this makes her willing to help others in exchange for love and understanding. She is open to new ideas as long as they are productive and interesting.

Your Actual Problems:

"Agitated, unpredictable, and irritation as well as lack of energy and inability to cope with any more pressure placed on her have left her feeling stress and tormented by her situation. Feels powerless to come up with a solution on her own; desperately wishes a solution will present itself and allow her a chance to escape."

"Feeling unimportant in this current situation, and is looking for different conditions where she will be able to better prove her worth and importance."

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That was the result after a less-than-5-minutes color test. Based on above result, honestly, I'm pretty desperate, aren't I?

Truth is, it's mostly true.

Damn, I'm pathetic. Hahaha.