Spectrum

I almost didn't recognize him.

Yes, he was wearing his signature plaid shirt, jeans, and sneakers. But they weren't the ones so dirty I had to sneak into his room to throw those abominations to the nearest laundy service few years ago. Actually, his bold colored sneakers looked really fancy, and I was sure it must cost him grand.

And something about his face; it seemed brighter. He still did have the scruff along his jawline--he pledged he wouldn't shave them off otherwise he would look underaged--but instead of growing uncontrollably around his face like a homeless man, he trimmed it nicely. Also, he ditched the old fashioned glasses and maybe wore lenses in exchange, because I could clearly see his emerald green eyes; greener than I ever remember.

The thing that gave him away was his smile. Oh, those smiles. I used to do even the silliest things to get those smiles out of him. Now he gave it easily to just anyone, including me, some random girl he accidentally looked in the eyes at a long bathroom line. He didn't recognize me. Yet.

So I decided to break the ice first.

 "Tony, right?" I faked a surprise, like I haven't been watching him for the last five minutes.

His eyes darted back to me. His forehead creased. I smiled even brighter.

"It's Anne. We used to live in the same dorm. Remember?"

It took a few seconds until he finally recognized me. A few seconds when he gave me a judging look from head to toe; a few seconds that made my heart beat slightly faster.

"Anne." It came out more like a whisper than anything.

"I am." I smiled. I always smile, even back then when he failed me miserably.

"How... are you doing?"

"Great! How about you? I haven't seen you and Sam for few years now, I'm surprised we meet here."

Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned Sam. It created a dead air between me and Tony, and awkwardness started to creep in.

"I'm fine." He finally controlled his expression and smiled a little. "I haven't seen Sam for years either."

I faked another surprise. I was getting good at this. "Really? I thought... you two would still be together."

There, I said it.

I rehearsed this scene over and over in my head ever since I heard about Tony and Sam breaking up. I practiced it to sound so natural they would think I really cared, like I really thought they should still be together. I was going to make them feel sorry. Not for me, but for themselves. For taking the wrong choice. For stabbing me right in the heart.

It had been years ago but I still remembered how it hurt.

Falling for Tony was my greatest mistake. He did make me feel happy. He made me feel good about myself, too. And for a moment, I really thought Tony would fall for me too, because sometimes I saw the look in his eyes when he talked to me and I thought he must liked me more than a friend. Oh, I was so naive. And I only realized that when Sam came along.

Sam didn't like Tony. She didn't find his jokes funny or anything he said interesting. But she thought Tony was attractive; he was tall and beneath those plaid shirts there were rumours about six-pack abs. Tony didn't like Sam either. He thought Sam talked too much and too airheaded for his taste. But he also found Sam attractive; she had flawless skin and body of a Spanish guitar.

One day, I found them kissing in front of my door.

That day, I lost two of my bestfriends.

"No... we broke up." He reached the back of his head. The gesture I remembered, meaning he wasn't sure what else to say. "We weren't really clicked, you know."

I knew, I wanted to reply, but I held my tongue. Instead I said, "That's too bad. You'll find the one."

His expression changed a little, and I wasn't sure what it was. But I quickly added with a smile. "If you haven't already."

He nodded. "I have."

Some parts of me shattered. I had not.

"Great for you."

Another dead air.

Maybe that was it.

The day my heart broke to million pieces, I knew something was wrong with me. I wasn't good enough. Tony didn't choose me because I wasn't pretty, and Sam knew she had a chance with Tony because she thought I wasn't pretty either. So I tried to change myself. Diet, new clothes, tons of make up. Guys fell all over me ever since.

I thought revenge would taste sweet.

I thought Tony would regret his decision once he saw the new me. I thought he would beg me to be with him again, sharing those laughs or heated discussions about things that matters, or anything, really. But the realisation hit me like a block of concrete wall: it wasn't because of me not being pretty. He just didn't like me. Period.

All I could taste was bitter.

And all I could see was his green eyes looking at me. That same longing look as the one back then when I thought he liked me, much more than as a friend.

But then again, I was wrong about it once. I won't delude myself for the second time.