The Scary Things

I'm tired of pretending I'm not scared.

All this time, I've convinced myself that the choices I've taken were based on my sense of self-preservation; that they were all the wise things to do to protect myself from getting myself hurt.

They're not. What I've done was just running away. Because I thought if I didn't see it then I wouldn't have to face it, that it wasn't even real. 

I hate that I always put a limiter to myself, thinking I would never be able to this thing or that thing just because my stupid brain decides to imagine the worst case scenario ever happening. 

It was pretty scary, but maybe I could've handled it. 

I hate that the thoughts only came when the moments passed, not at the time where I was supposed to make the decision.

I hate that I always shut down every opportunity that comes my way because I think I am not good enough. 

I hate that I know that I'm not good enough, but I should've also known that I could always try to change that.

Maybe I could be better. Maybe if I put my mind to it, I could also do it.

Maybe I actually want those things that I pretend I don't care about.

But I'm scared, I'm still scared. 

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written after a mini panic attack. my hands are still shaking a little, but i think i calmed down a lot, thanks to writing all this down.