Agony

I know this is unhealthy; the looming anxiety over imagining the way they would disappoint you again, like they did the last few times.

Even your happy moments didn’t last very long, because you became very sensitive over all the past mistakes that one little thing could easily make you upset and very very bitter.

But you don’t like anyone else—you can't like anyone else because you’re cursed, and you genuinely believe they’re tailor-made for you since no one ever made you feel all the things the same way they did. And you see a bit of yourself in them, thinking you can fix them the same way you’re trying to fix yourself, purposely blind to the fact that it’s not working, not even at all.

In the end, you’re just wallowing in self-pity. 

Was it ever even love? Or has it always been an obsession over someone you projected to be some ideal figure you created in your own mind?

You can hear the clock strikes twelve. A loud reminder that you only have a few more hours to prepare for the disappointment you set up for yourself, again. 

The Scary Things

I'm tired of pretending I'm not scared.

All this time, I've convinced myself that the choices I've taken were based on my sense of self-preservation; that they were all the wise things to do to protect myself from getting myself hurt.

They're not. What I've done was just running away. Because I thought if I didn't see it then I wouldn't have to face it, that it wasn't even real. 

I hate that I always put a limiter to myself, thinking I would never be able to this thing or that thing just because my stupid brain decides to imagine the worst case scenario ever happening. 

It was pretty scary, but maybe I could've handled it. 

I hate that the thoughts only came when the moments passed, not at the time where I was supposed to make the decision.

I hate that I always shut down every opportunity that comes my way because I think I am not good enough. 

I hate that I know that I'm not good enough, but I should've also known that I could always try to change that.

Maybe I could be better. Maybe if I put my mind to it, I could also do it.

Maybe I actually want those things that I pretend I don't care about.

But I'm scared, I'm still scared. 

***

written after a mini panic attack. my hands are still shaking a little, but i think i calmed down a lot, thanks to writing all this down. 

Under The Starlight

I have always been a fangirl.

As long as I can remember, I have always been into something. Be it things, a genre, a certain  show, or a celebrity, when I found something that I liked, I would completely engross myself into the things and be knee deep in no time. 

One time, it was horror mystery stories. I was as young as nothing more than 9 years old when I started to write numerous short stories on the unused pages at the back of my old school books. I would be meeting with my cousin at my grandma’s house, and we would exchange our stories and then talk about how we should compile them to make an anthology. We then bought a special book to write our stories there and we even decorated the cover. It was fun; both back then, and when I think about it again now.

A bit older, I was into this anime show. I loved it so much, I started to use the internet to find out more. I was only a mere middle school student, and there was a time when the phone bill went a bit higher than usual because I had too much fun with surfing the net. Maybe I was addicted to being online? It was something new, it was surreal, so it was definitely fun for me. And it was around that time when I started to create this blog, so hey, good job middle school me!

There were many more things since then. A celebrity I kept writing in my diaries, the joint project of making a manga (and yes, I was the one who did the drawing, despite not having even ten percent of the skill required), and the obsession of writing novels! I still remember my poor friends getting shoved of either my printed or handwritten writings, and me looking at them with glimmering eyes, feeling just so happy to see that my works had been read.

And then, there came the fandom culture. It’s basically just everything I’ve been doing; liking, obsessing, and almost literally revolving myself entire this one particular thing, but it’s more organized. There would be other people—it’s a community. I decided I wanted to get in on that. 

There have been many fandoms that I have—sort of—joined, but the fandom I spent the last five years in was the most memorable. In fact, it’s not even 24 hours since I decided I’d rather left, so it’s not a lie if I say that I still look at them with utmost affection and lingering feelings. 

Actually, I’ve been feeling so weird. It‘s just as if I’m peeling away a bandage to find out that the scabs have been completely healed over—only the ghost of prickly feelings where the wound was once there, remains.

I feel like I should’ve felt more hurt, but I guess the spell had been broken for a while ago, and I was just staying there for the sake of loyalty... and the fact that I was so afraid to lose my identity.

I have always been a fangirl, alright? And for the last five years, I have always been at that same place; making memories, experiencing happiness, pouring my heart out, and feeling love. If I am to begone, then what will be left of me? Where do I go to? Starting from now, how should I feel?

A little whisper inside my head tells me, then don’t go.

But what if the purpose of staying, when the magic is no longer there anymore?

My friend—a lovely fellow fangirl who’s lucky enough to still have the magic on her side—went and asked me, “So, are we off to find husbands, now?”

(There’s this cliché thing people can say when they’re heartbroken, ‘there’s a hole in my chest where my heart was supposed to be’ or something like that.)

So I laughed, and since it would be too silly and embarrassing to actually say it out loud, I just went, “That would be too hard. I guess I’d rather look for money.”

And I sincerely hope that answers enough.

I Am Capable of Feelings—I Just Don’t Show It

Hello!

The year is about to end, and this is my first and last post on this blog for the year 2019. 

Well, who would even be surprised anymore.

I have done many things this year; some I would be proud of, some I would never admit even on my deathbed. I have made some big decisions. I have discovered myself. I have matured—I guess. I have learned, maybe not much, but I think I have become a little bit smarter than I was last year. Oh, also I have realized how dumb I was and I really need to study more to keep up with everyone and everything.

About the title about this post. Yes, feelings. It’s because ago someone asked me, “How to live like you? You look so carefree, like you never have a problem any day in your life.”

When I heard this, I was baffled. I tried to answer jokingly, trying to play off my crazy fangirl persona. They bought it. That’s what people expected of an easy-going, carefree person would react with that kind of question.

However, do I really look like I never have a problem? I mean, that must be partly compliment because I carry on positive vibes in my daily life? I guess?

To be completely honest, I think I might be depressed. I had a lot of mental breakdown this year. Since last year, actually. But no one really knows that. Why? Because I don’t talk about it.

Because I’m not comfortable admitting that I, too, have feelings like everybody else.

I’m too used to pretend that I’m okay. Too used to repress my feeling, to have the upper hand of appearing strong. Too used to hold my tears in public—I can hardly shed tears even on my own now, too. I have so much pride that I thought showing my feelings would lessen it. But at what cost?

That’s why I love blogging. I have no problem writing this down, whereas I would’ve bury myself alive if I ever talk like this to anyone else. But writing’s always fine. It’s comforting. It makes me feel like I’ve done something.

Before the year ends, I want to make a promise with myself. Being unable to show feelings is very useful for certain situations, but it will hurt me and people around me in the long process. I need to get it together. For once, stop lying about emotions.

And for the commemoration of me embracing my feelings, I just want to say: I love Lee Hongbin with all my heart it’s taking over everything else.

Thank you. Happy new year!

New Year's Eve

Here in my room, with a cup of Family Mart's green tea latte and two balls of onigiri, I guess I'm ready to write the first and last post in 2018 on this blog. This is more of a moral obligation than anything, really, because I can't let a year passed without writing anything and make the drop down list on the Archives sidebar skipped 2018. Well, it's okay to be a little bit meticulous, right? 

What did I do in 2018? Quite a lot, actually. Let me make a list, because how long had been since I last made a list on this blog? What a nostalgia.

Things I Did in 2018 That I Didn't Mind to Share—and Probably Wanted to Sort of Brag

1. I went to my first Japan winter trip. 'First' because who knows if I'll be back later, you know? But most likely not in winter because as someone who spent her whole life not only in a tropical country but also right at the Equator line, cold is really not my forte. I mean, sure, snowflakes are pretty and it's nice to not sweat after walking kilometres, but autumn's my limit. Winter is best spent at home under  a blanket and a cup of ocha and not walking around town and risking getting a frostbite.

2. I met 2 out of 6 of my favourite boys! Yeah, you know, VIXX. Might want to look up about them later, wouldn't you? Or not. Totally up to your choice. But you know, you would never regret it. Okay? Okay. So, I met them while in Japan, in Osaka to be exact. It was a handshake event and I got to shake their pretty hands three times—thanks to my dear friends that because of them I got to buy three albums and get three handshakes event ticket. It was great. I was literally walking alone, in a rather harsh winter, looking for the event's venue in a foreign country that I didn't speak the language of. That experience is almost as memorable as meeting the boys, really.

3. I graduated! Finally! After all the blood, sweat, and tears, I have finally graduated. Do I feel satisfied with my grades or my thesis? No. But at least it's finally over. Okay now I should stop talking about college because it's giving me PTSD.

4. I start working for the Headquarters. It was not my preference because at first I'd rather work in the convenience of my hometown, but now that I actually experience it, it isn't even that bad. The work I do here is more... challenging, I guess? And it's not monotonous. It also gives me chance to learn a lot and even let me expand my network. It is way out of my comfort zone, but I feel like I'm fine with it—I enjoy it, even. Maybe because I'm starting to feel comfortable in this big city and all of it's perks? Most of my friends are here, too. And I do love the feeling of living alone while trying to make it by myself. Oh, and probably I should mention this sooner: the job pays better. So... yeah.

5. I am embracing the lone girl aesthetic to the fullest, and I love it. I start to genuinely enjoy going anywhere alone. I feel accomplished, somehow, when I finished doing things by myself. I used to only have the gut to eat alone in public place at lunch, but now, dinner is fine, too. If I want to eat something, I just can go, with companion or not. It's not like I can not afford it. Ah, to be young and financially stable, very liberating, indeed.

Hmm, maybe that's all? Truth to be told, I just want to spend some time while waiting my boys (say it with me? It's VIXX) to perform on Korean broadcast year end's stage. It's probably still half an hour later, but well, this has been nice. The feeling of having written something is always nice, I wonder why I don't do it often? Right, because I'm lazy. The root of all problems in my life. 

My wish for 2019? I don't know. I just want to live a fulfilled, happy life, doing my best while being surrounded by people I love, VIXX included. 

I hope 2019 will be a good year for us all. Happy New Year!